why do my good thoughts always come late at night...?

today i got an answer to a question that i have been consciously asking for a short while, and unconsciously asking for a while longer through my living choices. to put it in words, it would go something like: "why do i need to make the choices that i have been told are righteous ones? what's really better about them anyway? are they founded on solid ground and abiding truths or are they just reactions and opinions that change as frequent as the tide? will it really lead to righteousness? is that something that i should want in the first place? will it lead me closer to God? if so, will it estrange me from the world? is that something that should i want?"

the questions went on. much to big for sentences, but you get the gist. i felt caught in the middle of another paradox (for the past few years, every answer to the questions i wrestle turns out to be paradoxical), a paradox that on one side led to estrangement from the world and the other estrangement from God. each of which had to me its pros an cons, but neither side could understand how the other side has any pros at all (so you see the difficulty).

so to make a very long story short, (i'll skip to the end and offer the answer i found) the solution lies in three sentences: the first addresses the cons of estrangement from the world, the second estrangement from God, and the third reconciles the two.

"it is a trap to presume that God wants to make us perfect specimens of what He can do... God's purpose is not to perfect me to make me a trophy in His showcase."

to me, the holiness movement or emphasis has seemed to shout this, to strive for perfection so that you can evidence God's work and holiness in Your life. but living like that does in a way estrange you from everyone around you, you are something un real and set-apart in a not-so-good way. God's purpose for us has got to be more than that.

"Christian perfection is not, and can never be, human perfection."

to me, those whose emphasis is on love and not truth, (or holiness, disipline, righteousness...) forget this little nugget, that while it is wrong (as noted above) to strive for human perfection, there can be such a thing as what might be called "Christian perfection", having a perfect relationship with God. don't know if you can ever attain it, but we can certainly strive.

"i am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not admiration for myself.... God's purpose is to make us one with Himself."

and there is the union between the two, between love and truth, between holiness first and people first. it is about relationship. it is about God. seek first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added to you (the kingdom of heave btw was one marked by LOVE and set-apartness). so I strive to be with God as first priority, and the rest falls in place. if i strive to be good, i fail. if i strive to love people, i fail. but if i strive to know God, i still fail, but at least these other pieces are taken care of along the way (it's less for me to worry about).

and all of this is to say something like righteous choices do matter because we serve a Holy God, but its not sooo much about the individual choices as it is the seeds that produced those choices. and if the seed that produced it is striving for perfection - its worthless. if the seed is knowledge of God - it's good fruit. and there really is palpable difference between good and bad fruit, even when it doesn't seem so. so worry about the seeds you are sowing, and the plant will take care of itself.