why do my good thoughts always come late at night...?

today i got an answer to a question that i have been consciously asking for a short while, and unconsciously asking for a while longer through my living choices. to put it in words, it would go something like: "why do i need to make the choices that i have been told are righteous ones? what's really better about them anyway? are they founded on solid ground and abiding truths or are they just reactions and opinions that change as frequent as the tide? will it really lead to righteousness? is that something that i should want in the first place? will it lead me closer to God? if so, will it estrange me from the world? is that something that should i want?"

the questions went on. much to big for sentences, but you get the gist. i felt caught in the middle of another paradox (for the past few years, every answer to the questions i wrestle turns out to be paradoxical), a paradox that on one side led to estrangement from the world and the other estrangement from God. each of which had to me its pros an cons, but neither side could understand how the other side has any pros at all (so you see the difficulty).

so to make a very long story short, (i'll skip to the end and offer the answer i found) the solution lies in three sentences: the first addresses the cons of estrangement from the world, the second estrangement from God, and the third reconciles the two.

"it is a trap to presume that God wants to make us perfect specimens of what He can do... God's purpose is not to perfect me to make me a trophy in His showcase."

to me, the holiness movement or emphasis has seemed to shout this, to strive for perfection so that you can evidence God's work and holiness in Your life. but living like that does in a way estrange you from everyone around you, you are something un real and set-apart in a not-so-good way. God's purpose for us has got to be more than that.

"Christian perfection is not, and can never be, human perfection."

to me, those whose emphasis is on love and not truth, (or holiness, disipline, righteousness...) forget this little nugget, that while it is wrong (as noted above) to strive for human perfection, there can be such a thing as what might be called "Christian perfection", having a perfect relationship with God. don't know if you can ever attain it, but we can certainly strive.

"i am called to live in such a perfect relationship with God that my life produces a yearning for God in the lives of others, not admiration for myself.... God's purpose is to make us one with Himself."

and there is the union between the two, between love and truth, between holiness first and people first. it is about relationship. it is about God. seek first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added to you (the kingdom of heave btw was one marked by LOVE and set-apartness). so I strive to be with God as first priority, and the rest falls in place. if i strive to be good, i fail. if i strive to love people, i fail. but if i strive to know God, i still fail, but at least these other pieces are taken care of along the way (it's less for me to worry about).

and all of this is to say something like righteous choices do matter because we serve a Holy God, but its not sooo much about the individual choices as it is the seeds that produced those choices. and if the seed that produced it is striving for perfection - its worthless. if the seed is knowledge of God - it's good fruit. and there really is palpable difference between good and bad fruit, even when it doesn't seem so. so worry about the seeds you are sowing, and the plant will take care of itself.

i need you to be unique

everyone is unique from the rest of the world in a significant way. everyone is similar to the rest of the world in a significant way.

pause.

our culture values certain ways. every culture values certain ways. the tendency is to expect everyone value the ways that we value, because of course we have picked the right ways. when someone values a different way -also known as living a different way or being a different way- they are not as good, or at least not as right.

BUT

everyone is unique from the rest of the world in a significant way. everyone is similar to the rest of the world in a significant way. we are all unique. we are all the same. its part of what makes us human. humanity.

i am unique from the entire culture in a specific way. maybe if i would just realize the existence of my own uniqueness i would stop judging the uniqueness of others. especially the particularly weird uniquenesses. we must appreciate our own uniqueness to appreciate the uniqueness of others.

...

to appreciate our own uniqueness we must appreciate that uniqueness exists. if we believe that there is only one right, best, real, good way - then we cannot accept our own uniqueness and thus cannot accept the uniqueness of others.

this is different than the popular tolerance. this is different than relative truth. this is accepting humanity for what it is. this is accepting that we as humans were uniquely made.

the doctor fixes what others cannot fix. his healing is his uniqueness.

the evangelist speaks what others do not dare speak. this bold audacity is their uniqueness.

the prophet sees and hears injustice that others cannot see and hear. this discernment is the prophet’s uniqueness.

the business man stands when others sit. his ability and professionalism is his uniqueness.

the orphan knows loneliness that others cannot know. their experience, and their consequent knowledge is their uniqueness.

.and their uniqueness is their gift.

without each other’s uniqueness we have nothing and are worth nothing and can succeed at nothing. not all of us could have the discernment of the prophet or the prophet would have no one to rebuke. not all of us could have the boldness of the preacher, or they would have no one to listen. not all of us could have the success of the business man, or he would have no one to support, found, provide for or lead.

our uniqueness makes us a body. let us not be a parallelogram where all sides are equal. we would have no use. a lump. let us have muscles and kneecaps and big toes and veins. And if you are a joint, recognize that you are a joint, and don’t try to be a stomach. and don’t try to make everyone else into a joint. or even a stomach. respect that without the forearm and the upper-arm or muscles or blood the elbow joint would be useless and purposeless.

we need each other and we need each other’s uniqueness. and we need our own uniqueness. and we need our gifts. we need to give what we have and receive what we don't. and that can't happen we we try to be what we aren't. or when we try to make others what they are not. uniqueness is real and it is really good. it is really in you. and it is really in me too.

unassuming grace

wednesday 3.12p afternoon

i had a meeting with a gordon college counselor. at college i am surrounded by peers, but lack generational wisdom. i think i was hoping to find some of that there. I went in hopeful, still with my concerns. concerned that I would get just one more opinion to have to sort through. concerned that I would get a list of solutions that wouldn’t work and that I didn’t want. but mostly concerned that i would be found guilty, that my shame would show. that i would be responsible for more than i could bear or ever measure up to.

i was met with quite a surprise - unassuming grace. i received the most welcoming and understanding listening ear i have ever experienced in my life. there was not an ounce of judgment or presumption. I was not looked at through someones past experiences, nor by some lofty expectations, but looked at for myself, who i am, and who i am in Christ. can i just say how freeing that was!

have you ever had someone listen and speak to you with such dignity before? it is so honoring. i was certainly held responsible and accountable. i am an autonomous adult and had to step up and hold the measure of my actions. but i was allowed to freedom to feel, to think, to be wronged, and also to be trusted.

i think thats what the feeling was. i have been trusted. my word has been trusted.

this meeting with a campus counselor has done a lot to my heart. in the same way i experienced freedom in the presence of this human counselor, we have freedom to be in the presence of our Heavenly Counselor. oh yes. all that shame we experience, all that guilt, all of the burdens of proof weighing us down, that is not from Him. He is our wonderful counselor (is9.6). He listens with a tender and loving ear (ps5.3). He is patient with us (ex34.6). He is trusting of us. He knows our true nature and He is still trusting of us.

I have no reason to let shame build an expansive chasm between me and the Lover of my soul. He knows and trusts me, my word, and my heart. His holy Son is living in me, His spirit is in me, and He is the hope of my glory (col1.27). God looks down and I am covered by the blood of the lamb. you are covered by the blood of the lamb (1pet1). and we are trusted by the all-knowing King of the universe.

this says something about who I am, as the one He counsels. He sees me not as mostly a sinner. No. i am mostly loved and trusted by God. i am not mostly a mistake maker, mostly a liar, mostly a hurter, i am mostly loved and trusted by my wonderful counselor. and i can rise to that.

and just as i am mostly loved and trusted, i must also mostly love and trust. yes, i am mostly a lover and a truster. though so much of my nature does not want to trust or love, it is coming. and the more i believe that i am mostly a lover and the truster, that i am mostly loved and trusted, the more i will live that reality.

so all of this comes down to, God trusts me. the Holy God of the universe trusts and loves and does not condemn me. He absolutely holds me responsible. oh he most certainly holds me accountable. but he does not cast me down and hold me to my shame.

my challenge from this experience has been to in the same way that the Wonderful Counselor loves and trusts me - to love and trust those around me. He asks me to listen to others with the same unassuming grace he has given me. what a love that would be, to love with unassuming graciousness!

grace,

kg

Israel...

As you may know, this year I am taking part in a life-changing internship with Teen Mania’s Honor Academy. So far, this has been the most challenging, motivating and inspiring five-months of my life. Everyday is a new experience with friends, in my ministry placement, in the classroom and with the Lord. He is constantly challenging me to examine my words, thoughts and actions as He quietly shapes me more and more into His likeness.

The greatest thing that I have gained from this adventure is a deeper understanding of who I am, who the Lord is and who others are. As I sat with Him in the woods, the Lord gave me a picture of my life - redeemed. As I sought to see why He has saved me and protected me, He revealed that it was not anything I have done that drew Him to myself, but just simply me. He purely has this overwhelming love for me that I cannot explain and can barely comprehend that has called Him to be my Rescuer and my Redeemer. So through this understanding of myself as rescued and redeemed I began to see the Lord as my Savior and Redeemer. And through His eyes, I am beginning to see others as His rescued ones. And as my Lord and Savior’s beloved, I desire to walk with Him and share His love with others. I desire to give them a picture of their lives as He sees them, and as He has done for me.

With this in mind, I have been given an amazing opportunity to reach out to the people of Israel. For 17 days, we will travel to Gethsemane, the Western Wall, the Mount of Olives, Jericho, Ein Gedi and more spreading the love and message of Christ. We will be spending the majority of our trip in Bethlehem, Israel ministering in Arab refugee camps, sharing Christ’s life-saving love with them. I am thrilled to be able to share the hope He has given me with His very own people.

But the unique thing about going to Israel is that I will get to learn more about God’s heart for His people as well as more about Him. I will walk where Jesus walked and see the places He saw. Just being in His Holy Nation is an opportunity to gain an experiential knowledge of Him and His word. Wow.

I would love it if you would take this journey with me. I will be in Israel from April 11th through the 27th, but for me, this adventure begins now. As I begin praying, fasting and fundraising for Israel, I would be thrilled to have your support. I know that not everyone can support me financially, but your prayer covering means so much more to me. If you would commit to lift me up in prayer these next few months, I would greatly appreciate it.

However, being in the Honor Academy, I do not have the ability to work and make money to pay for this trip. The cost is $2,900, which I need to raise by February 17th, but the first half of my funds need to be turned in by February 1st. I would ask that you prayerfully consider financially supporting me in my journey to Israel.

If you feel release from the Lord to support me financially in this trip, you have the option to pay with a credit card or a check. Information on how to send me your support is on the right hand column of this site. >>>

Thank you so much and know that your support will not only affect my life, but the lives and eternity of countless others. Please keep in touch with me throughout this journey. I will be posting regularly with more information about the trip, my life and my financial status. You can leave comments here or email me at katherine.gwozdz@teenmania.com. I would love to hear from you!

Again, thank you so much for your love, support and encouragement!