found in the past as I head towards the future...

This is an essay I just finished writing for a psychology course here. We were supposed to - grounding ourselves in the past, looking towards our future -address the integration of Christianity and psychology, and it's role in our lives. This is a pretty comprehensive narrative of who I am and who I am becoming. Please don't be put off by it's length, I would hope that it's well worth the read. 

-kate

Who am I? I was sitting a field after sitting in the same place for several hours still asking the insurmountable question of who am I? I was at a stand off with God, and had finally come to the point where I would not be moved until He showed me who am I. I thought I knew the answer: I was defined by where I came from, my struggles, my dissappointments, my pain and all of the things that had hurt me. But I had begun to realize that those things didn’t make me - they didn’t make up who I am - they just made up my past. The problem was that though I knew who I wasn’t, I no longer knew who I was. So I asked Him to show me me. And He showed me one word - restoration.

In Isaiah 38 there is the most beautiful image of restoration I could ever imagine. King Hezekiah was a man who was above all things saved by God. On his death bed he cried out to God to be rescued and and the Lord added years to His life. And After that, Hezekiah was forever a worshipper of the most high King. “The Lord was ready to save me; therefore [I] will sing my songs... all the days of [my] life in the house of the Lord” (Isaiah 38:20). Hezekiah realized that the grave - the dead - can never praise the Lord; it’s the living the bring him glory. His life was a testament to God’s goodness and faithfulness, for his very life was given to him by God. And in that picture I saw for the first time who I am.

I too had cried out to the Lord in the midst of trouble and despair and He saved me. But before that moment in the field I had never realized exactly how many times He had saved me, figuratively and literally. From before I was born He protected my life. Through pain and trials, He protected my heart. Through despair and desperation, He protected my soul. He had set me apart, and for what? Simply to be his worshipper, to bring Him love praise and honor. So that’s where I come from and that’s who I am and that is what motivates me towards who I will be.

I see myself following the pattern set by the great theologian Kirkegaard, integrating psychology and christianity to see the restoration of the Kingdom of God. What first inspired me in this direction was that moment in the field. There were two more crucial moments that have continued my direction as one who is restored offering restoration to others. The next came in a coffee shop with a dear friend of mine, Meghan. At this time I knew exactly what it was that I wanted to be doing... about 20 years down the road. I wanted to be offering that restoration to others that I had found in the hope of Jesus Christ. But as far as the here and now, I had no clue. So I sat there describing to Meghan my passions, hopes and dreams when she suddenly turned to me and exlaimed, “you know what that is? That’s psychology! You’re talking about guidance counseling!!”

And that’s when I began (officially) studying psychology. But there was one last crucial moment that set my direction as a Christian psychologist. I was sitting in chapel, only half paying attention, when the wisdom of Frederich Beuchner caught me by surprise. He was quoted saying “calling is the place where our great gladness and the world’s greatest need meet.” And there it was again - that one word - restoration. Here was a man telling me that restoration is not only who I am, it is my great calling. Wow.

Those words have continued with me, and are my constant motivation today. There are a few things about myself that I know for certain. I know that I am a connector, a communicator, and a mobilizer; that I am discerning and highly enthusiastic. I doubt that you’ve ever heard someone refer to themselves as a connector before, but I can’t think of a better way to describe what I love to do. I find great joy in helping others more clearly see who they are at the core of their being, to help them realize their passions and their talents, and then direct them to outlets to use those passions and talent to praise the Almighty Lord.

I have realized that I find the most joy in genuinely seeing beautiy and greatness in others, especially before they can see it themselves. I love to open their eyes to their potential, helping them to recognize the unique and wonderful individuals that they are. I absolutely love to see others flourish. But I never had a name for this skill and passion of mine, until that evening over coffee. Guidance counselor. Something that I love to do in an informal setting actually has a formal name and can be used to worship my Lord and Savior.

I do consider it my calling to one day become a formal connector - a real guidance counselor. I hope to spend years of my life learning about people, how they work on the inside, and helping them to use that on the outside. Psychology to me offers answers; I see it as a technical name for the kind of self and human understanding we are all called to. In the simplest way, it is discernment. And in that respect many people in the Bible could be seen as early and informal psychologists. They sought to understand the innerworkings of the mind and heart and use that to connect others personally to the hopeful message of Christ. I can only hope to follow in their footsteps.

I have applied to work for Teach For America after graduation. Through this program I will not only help to bring restoration to kids through education, but I will grow in my experiential understanding of the uniqueness of people and my ability to communicate with individuals and groups. I hope for this to be a learning step as I head towards my high calling. I then hope to continue to teach while working on my masters in Psychology and Education, continuing towards formal guidance counseling in a high school. Once there, I hope to spend some time free-lance writing and editing. I will continue to work as an editor for a magazine or publishing company and finally start my own magazine that centers on the integration of faith and psychology.

The foremost goal of my magizine will be to bring restoration in three steps. The first being awareness. I hope to use my communicating skills to bring awareness and education about the social injustices and great needs of the world. From there, I hope to bring self-understanding, helping others understand their own personalities, idiosyncracies, talents, gifts - whatever - the uniquenesses that make them who they are. And finally, I hope to communicate that as Christians it is neccessary for us to intentionally connect with the mission of God, to bring His kingdom to this earth, and to do so uniquely, in the manner that we were created. With understanding in these three areas, I hope to help others know their great joy, understand the great need of this world and have a desire to find their high calling in offering their great joy to meet that great need.

It would be my great joy to offer myself to meet, even in the smallest way, the great need of this world. I have only begun to understand the need that surrounds me, and I have only begun to offer my joyful endeavors to ease the pain and brokeness around me. But I hope that by offering myself as a worshipper of our high King and Great Restorer I will be able to fill a small part of that need.

So who I am? I am restored and I am a restorer. My life has been saved and now I live to give back to my Savior. For death, death cannot praise Him - neither can the grave. But the living - the living can praise Him forever.

It begins tonight...

Today I submitted my application for TFA. Here's my letter of intent that went along with it...

The entire course of my life was changed when I heard the wisdom of Frederich Buechner for the first time. I was sitting in chapel completely unaware that the direction I had been craving was soon before me. These were his words, that our calling is the place where our great gladness and the world's greatest need meet. And these words are still changing me today. It is my ambition to offer my joyful endeavors to ease the pain and brokeness around me.

Social injustices abound beyond that which I can comprehend. There truly is great need all around us. Thankfully through providing education we can treat more than the symptoms that surround, but the heart of the illness. If I could devote myself to one cause that is truly effective, this would be it, for this is where my great joy meets a great need in this world. 

My great joy is genuinely found in seeing beauty and greatness in others before they can see it themselves, helping their eyes to be opened, and their potential to be reached. I have found that for real change and growth to happen it takes more than imparting simple knowledge or information, it takes teaching skills. Underprivileged children have not grown up with the resources necessary to develop into a successful and contributing citizen. They most certainly have the capacity, but because of their lack of resources they are missing critical life skills that many of us take for granted. But by providing resources and teaching the necessary skills to manage those resources we can close the gap that poverty creates, and destroy the injustices that ignorance sustains.

I have seen the value of education and relationships in a very personal way, as I grew up in a single-parent home living at poverty level. Through relationships and role models I was able to make the shift from a mind set of lack to one of resources. It is my desire to be that role model to others, to encourage and lead children into the skills that they need to find personal success. I want to teach them knowledge, but I also want to impart the skills necessary to comprehend, retain and use that knowledge. It is my hope that as a Teach for America Corps member I will continue my goal of learning to serve and to love people well.

It would be my great joy to continue to learn from those who have gone before me. I hope to continue in my calling by offering my joy to meet the need of this world. I have only begun to understand the wealth of resources that underprivileged children grow up with out and I have only begun to learn how to fill that emptiness. But I hope as a Teach for America that by offering myself I will be able to fill a small part of that need.

the beginning

i have decided to apply for Teach For America. this should be an interesting process and as i am quickly realizing, i probably don't know what i am getting myself into.

i am an all or nothing kind of girl. if i am going to do something, i do it - jump in head first without looking back. and if i am not going to do something, i avoid it like the plague. i hate that in between zone, the over analyzing that leads to well hesitating on the edge forever. that said i tend to go for things without really knowing much about them, and go for them whole-heartedly. i never turn in rough drafts for papers, in fact i won't turn the assignment in at all unless i feel like its complete and as good as i could do. i can't eat just one cheetoh, i have to eat the whole bag. i either exercise every day for a month, or not a single day. if i do something its because i believe in it with all of my heart, and if i don't do something its because i believe in that will all of my heart. i don't do really anything without being sure in my heart. but hey - at least i put my whole self into the things i do.

i tend to think that i know what i am doing. that might be to a fault, but it seems to have worked for me so far. i trust myself. i am an intuitioner to the T. or should i say to the I.

that said, Teach For America is a highly selective and competitive organization. maybe 10% of all applicants will be accepted. and they have more than enough qualified applicants. that little fact makes me question whether or not head-first jumping is really the best way to go about this.

i'm thinking i need to do more than just be myself (aka wing it). part of me feels i should study up on how to create a lesson plan, the severity and pervasiveness of the education gap, maybe even have my letter of intent edited.... but another part of me feels that would be selling out and not being true to who i am. i have never been one to suck up, sell out or compete. i like being me, genuinely. if you like it - great. if not, well then we would have been a bad fit anyway. no sense in working hard to be something i am not.

i feel that if i am going do all that research and work and learning, i would really want to be sure this is a good fit for me, what i want. and i am not really sure of that. so instead of deciding that for myself i will leave the decision to the experts. i will give them who i am and if who i am is who they want. great. if not? well then maybe i will become a white water rafting instructor after all.

so its decided. ill go with being me and jumping headfirst into this thing. maybe not entirely blindly, but still as zealously as ever.